Monday, January 26, 2009

Ms. B1tch is still alive! ha.ha.ha!

Did you miss Ms. B1tch? Do you like Ms. B's fancy new background - do not get too used to it, for Ms. B1tch is very restless and Ms. B1tch gets bored quite easily. She's been walking and thinking and thinking and walking....sometimes her alter-ego gets into her shoes and alter-ego doesn't like the tall purpley sparkled stilletos! Imagine! Well! Ms. B argues with her alter-ego and sometimes she wins and sometimes she does not. teehee
Don't you wonder where Ms. B has been? Hummmmm? do you? HA! Ms. B1tch cannot tell her secrets!
But, Ms. B1tch can tell you thusly: Ms B told Fancy Club to go ...oh, how can Ms B put this delicately? Let's see - maybe Ms B can put it in a rhyme! (is that how you spell rhyme? Ms B is not a teacher! Ms b is not a grammaticician!)...let's see, Ms B told Fancy Club to go shmuck giss her pro to bell. THERE! did those rhymes help you? Can you figure out what Ms B did?!

Ms. B1tch finally had enough. And when Ms B says it's time to move her cute little butt on down the road, Ms B struts it on down the road.

Why? Cause Ms B goes into work and still they have not done the things promised Ms B - did they think Ms B1tch was teasing? Was talking words just to see her pretty little plump lips flapple? Did they think she spoke just to hear her harmonious voice? Well, then then are Mis-Take-In!

Now, this presents Ms B with a problem - no no no, not finding a job-pah, who cares about that? - but, what about the mystery man and what his tattered little gifts meant? But, Ms B will just shrug her little shoulders and let it all go - for the man who sits at bar brooding after giving le'host/le'concierge weird little gifts while meanwhile, where is his family? Why isn't he home? Harumph! Not worth Ms B's time...

Oh! My Partner in all things Gordon Ramsey (tee.hee.) Fantastic Forrest, sent this! Ms B laughed and laughed! HA! Ms. B's said "Ms B1tch stays good til the bottom of the glass..." oo lala!
Now Ms B needs some advice...what new adventure should Ms B1tch try for? Where shall she go? Now that she is not with Fancy Club, she can do whatever she wants...can't she? Why not? When her alter-ego is not looking, or is asleep, or is distracted, Ms B can have adventures!

For now, Ms B had a question in her email! Here it is:
Dear Ms B1tch,My husband has been talking in his sleep and the other night he called out 'Joanie' and my name is Nancy! What do I do? I haven't said a word to him." -- Not-Sleeping Beauty

Dear Not Sleeping, Well, first, let MS B say I am glad to get questions about matters of the heart, too! For I know almost everything there is to know, and what I do not know, I findout! HA
So, what Ms B suggests you do is next time you are in bed, you pretend to be asleep and then you call out another man's name and see what he does! It may open the door to discussion, or a lot of screaming - whichever. Or, you can do this, "You Jackass! You called out another woman's name in your sleep! I'm kicking your ass!" and then you can both have the biggest argument you've ever had! Then you find out who this Joanie slut is and you go kick her ass, too! I mean a real Joan Collins and Whastername Cat Fight - or Cougar Fight (depending on your ages). Then you go home and tell your husband to go home to Joanie Moanie, she can just HAVE Him - YOU don't need the likes of His Hairy Ass......and after he leaves, you invite Raoul the pool man inside for a glass of wine and a piece...of salmon...Yeah? Yeah?
If all that sounds like to much trouble, just tap him on the shoulder and ask him who Joanie is-- if his eyes widen, if his nostrils flare, if he scratches himself anywhere, if he clears his throat, if he looks you right in the eye without blinking - then best find out who this Joanie is. Otherwise, maybe Joanie isn't nothing but a figment of everyone's over-active imagination.
Now, Ms B has tarried too long on the blog. She will try not to be gone so long next time, but MS B never makes le'promises!


Fantastic Forrest said...

Ms. Bitch! You are back! O joy, o happiness.

And dispensing such sage advice on matters of the heart! I vote for your second suggestion. Much more subtle. If Nancy's husband makes a guilty face when she asks, can we all go walk on him in your spiky purple shoes? It would be so nice to get together for a good cause. Yum. Now I am hungry.

I am GLAD you left Fancy Club. Now you have more time for adventures. And eating. And reading about Frenchy food. Here's a fun place to visit:

Fantastic Forrest said...

Er, just so you don't think I'm totally mental, I meant to say "Yum. Now I am hungry." AFTER the second paragraph. Don't know how it moved up ahead of there.

I don't work up an appetite thinking about stomping some unfaithful husband. Although I suppose actual stomping might make me hungry. Depends on how long I stomp, and how vigorously.

Barry said...

I vote that Joanie is probably the poor man's accountant and that even in his sleep he is agonizing over his family's finances.

So it would be cruel to even bring this up.

Angie Ledbetter said...

I've missed you so! Now that you told Big Fancy Club to bliss your crass (LOL), will you be doing roving restaurant reviews on the QT??

I bet Joanie is the third horse in the fifth race.

Ash said...

Glad to know your still alive and not kicking the bucket and the new background is more pleasing to the eye :D

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