Monday, January 26, 2009

Ms. B1tch is still alive! ha.ha.ha!

Did you miss Ms. B1tch? Do you like Ms. B's fancy new background - do not get too used to it, for Ms. B1tch is very restless and Ms. B1tch gets bored quite easily. She's been walking and thinking and thinking and walking....sometimes her alter-ego gets into her shoes and alter-ego doesn't like the tall purpley sparkled stilletos! Imagine! Well! Ms. B argues with her alter-ego and sometimes she wins and sometimes she does not. teehee
Don't you wonder where Ms. B has been? Hummmmm? do you? HA! Ms. B1tch cannot tell her secrets!
But, Ms. B1tch can tell you thusly: Ms B told Fancy Club to go ...oh, how can Ms B put this delicately? Let's see - maybe Ms B can put it in a rhyme! (is that how you spell rhyme? Ms B is not a teacher! Ms b is not a grammaticician!)...let's see, Ms B told Fancy Club to go shmuck giss her pro to bell. THERE! did those rhymes help you? Can you figure out what Ms B did?!

Ms. B1tch finally had enough. And when Ms B says it's time to move her cute little butt on down the road, Ms B struts it on down the road.

Why? Cause Ms B goes into work and still they have not done the things promised Ms B - did they think Ms B1tch was teasing? Was talking words just to see her pretty little plump lips flapple? Did they think she spoke just to hear her harmonious voice? Well, then then are Mis-Take-In!

Now, this presents Ms B with a problem - no no no, not finding a job-pah, who cares about that? - but, what about the mystery man and what his tattered little gifts meant? But, Ms B will just shrug her little shoulders and let it all go - for the man who sits at bar brooding after giving le'host/le'concierge weird little gifts while meanwhile, where is his family? Why isn't he home? Harumph! Not worth Ms B's time...

Oh! My Partner in all things Gordon Ramsey (tee.hee.) Fantastic Forrest, sent this! Ms B laughed and laughed! HA! Ms. B's said "Ms B1tch stays good til the bottom of the glass..." oo lala!
Now Ms B needs some advice...what new adventure should Ms B1tch try for? Where shall she go? Now that she is not with Fancy Club, she can do whatever she wants...can't she? Why not? When her alter-ego is not looking, or is asleep, or is distracted, Ms B can have adventures!

For now, Ms B had a question in her email! Here it is:
Dear Ms B1tch,My husband has been talking in his sleep and the other night he called out 'Joanie' and my name is Nancy! What do I do? I haven't said a word to him." -- Not-Sleeping Beauty

Dear Not Sleeping, Well, first, let MS B say I am glad to get questions about matters of the heart, too! For I know almost everything there is to know, and what I do not know, I findout! HA
So, what Ms B suggests you do is next time you are in bed, you pretend to be asleep and then you call out another man's name and see what he does! It may open the door to discussion, or a lot of screaming - whichever. Or, you can do this, "You Jackass! You called out another woman's name in your sleep! I'm kicking your ass!" and then you can both have the biggest argument you've ever had! Then you find out who this Joanie slut is and you go kick her ass, too! I mean a real Joan Collins and Whastername Cat Fight - or Cougar Fight (depending on your ages). Then you go home and tell your husband to go home to Joanie Moanie, she can just HAVE Him - YOU don't need the likes of His Hairy Ass......and after he leaves, you invite Raoul the pool man inside for a glass of wine and a piece...of salmon...Yeah? Yeah?
If all that sounds like to much trouble, just tap him on the shoulder and ask him who Joanie is-- if his eyes widen, if his nostrils flare, if he scratches himself anywhere, if he clears his throat, if he looks you right in the eye without blinking - then best find out who this Joanie is. Otherwise, maybe Joanie isn't nothing but a figment of everyone's over-active imagination.
Now, Ms B has tarried too long on the blog. She will try not to be gone so long next time, but MS B never makes le'promises!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A question for Ms B1tch

Barry said...
I have a question MsB. We were out over Christmas to a buffet. The waitress was friendly and efficient. She brought our drinks and asked if we wanted dessert (we didn't).When I came to pay the bill I left the usual amount as a tip, but my brother maintained that since you don't get full service from the waitress at a buffet, you shouldn't be leaving the regular tip.I have never done that. Have I been cheating myself all these years? By the way, my Word Verification is "dishem". How strange!

Ah! Can you afford it? Does it make you feel good to do it? It is a most certainty that the waitress will appreciate it, especially for the finky fonky butt-onkeses who leave nothing! Or leave some insulting mere near nothing! So, if you give a bit more because you can, then you can be the person who makes up for the stupid potty poo poo pants who eats, makes a mess, and then leaves without a care. Sure, maybe the server MAY not have to do as much when there is a buffet, but she is there, and she is making peanutty nothing. And no telling what management forces her to do because, as he(or she) may put it "you aren't doing as much, so clean the toilets, wash the floors, kiss my hairy big butt!" oh poor servers put up with much! This Ms. B knows, for Ms B has seen it. Ms B does not up with the shiteri put! But it is because she can walk away and will and has and will!

So, Mr. Barry - leave the tip. You will not be cheating yourself. You will be generous as I know you seem to be. If you do not want to leave the full 20% of the buffet, slip a little extra in there anyway. It will come back to you.

Ms. B is hungry! Ms B wants pastries! she must slip off, silently slip slipity slipoo de do off ..tee tee dee da da dum, ta ta ta tee ta tum - tee.tothe.hee - she's feeling light as a feather, but she will tell you about it later. Maybe. ha.ha! Ms B is so mysterious!

(PS - Oh, Gordon Ramsey! I am blowing you a kiss.....Don't tell you know who!)

Friday, January 9, 2009

Releasing Roaches -eyewwwwwwwwwwww, Miss Angie...! eyewwwww

Angie Ledbetter said...
I have a question: If you saw a patron open a pill bottle and let a roach run across his plate AFTER he'd eaten his meal, then complain to management and refuse to pay for pest-infested (hey, I like that) food, what would you do? Oh, 'specially if this was at big arse fancy club.

Well Miss Angie; Ms. B1tch would bide her time. Ms B would wait. Then, when the Patron walked past Ms B's throne, Ms B would quietly approach (eyeww- look at the word in approach!) him and say, "I saw what you did. How can we settle this?" and patron would take out a fiver and Ms B would laugh HAHA, then he'd take out a tener and she'd guffaw GUFFAW, and he'd start sweating and take out a twentyer and she'd stare him down, and he'd really begin to huff and puff, and he'd take out a fiftyer, and Ms B would just fold her arms, and he'd say "But my meal was only $85!" And Ms. B would say, "But what price your reputation, sir....what price your reputation..." And he'd hand over his heart.

ha.ha! Of course that is not what Ms B would do. Ms. B would tell him what she saw and that if he ever did that again, he would encur the wrath of Ms. B's pretty little shoe up his arse! She would lightly consider telling fancy club manager. Oh, I suppose she would tell Maitre d' -- since he's a cutie patootie...tee.hee.

Oh! Mr Barry said... - send those goodies my way. Ms B1tch barely got one tiny little goody! She is famished and parched and wasting away to nothingness, sorta kinda. Ohhh heavy fainting heart!

Fantastic Forrest -- shall we fight over Gordan Ramsey? Or will we be lady-like and share...Hmm, I suppose he is man enough to cook for both of us. Yes? Yes! of course he is. But no reptile...nothing that eats or rolls in it's own poo. So let it be written! So let it be done!

Now, if Ms B disappears or has not visited you, do not you worry! For sometimes Ms B must do things. And those things takes her away from here. But she loves you all! She sends you kisses and muwah muwah!

(and do you not wonder about the man with the strange gifts? Well, he came in with his wife and child - and then the next day came in again without them and sat at the bar and brooded -- Ms. B is keeping an eye on this one...No! not in THAT way - for Ms B does not play the games or play the players. She is, after all, Above Reproach (oh oh , there is that icky word within a word again ..eyewewww yewwwwww).

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Ms. B1tch's day off

Mr. Barry - CPC? ha.ha! You are so clever! Tee.hee.

Ms. B had a day off. So, Ms. B went to lunch and ate quiche that was fluffy and light, with a glass of wine. THen Ms B strolled along in her cute little clothes with her cute little boots and her cute little feet a-clomping upon the pavement. She watched people go to and fro. She said hello to old men and old ladies. She touched a sweater because it was soft. She almost bought a big fat huge furry blanket (maybe she will buy it later!) She stopped in a chocolate shop and bought yummy dark chocolates. Ms. B1tch pondered pondered and pontificated the Fancy Club. Sometimes Ms B thinks she wants to flee flee flee and never return. Perhaps she will. Perhaps Ms B will turn her mind to other things. She walked and ate her chocolates and pondered and pondered.

Ms B1tch went to her email to see if there was a question! And there one was:

Ms. B1tch, there's this concierge at a fancy club. I've given her candy and a pen and a coupon and yet she doesn't give me anything back but a puzzled smile. What gives? What can I do to impress this Queen Do you think pocket-lint filled candy isn't good enough for a woman? A used pen, even though it's a good pen, won't make her say hooray? A coupon for coffee won't make her blush and kiss my feet?

ha. ha. - Ms B is teasing! Of course I didn't get THAT email...tee.hee.

Ms. B has no questions in her email right now - boo. and the hoo!

How can Ms B spread her knowledge across the land if no one asks her any questions. Oh sorry sorry day. Oh Poor Ms. B...(tee..hee.)

Now, Ms B1tch loves to read about food, and look at food, and eat food, and Ms B1tch is open to all manner of eats. But one thing Ms. B can never, will never, can not ever ever eat or understand is this:

How To Prepare A Rattlesnake For Good Eating

now I shall go. I leave with one request: Oh Gordon Ramsey; Ms. B1tch wants you to cook just one meal for her! Just one little bitty meal. She asks nothing more - just to stand in her kitchen and cook cook while Ms B watches and waits. Ahhhhhhh, Ms B can dream

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Ms. B's Mystery Man of Strange Gifts, and Blabby Talky Pants

Ms. B is reading your comments with interest about the Man Who Gives Ms B Things . Here is what Ms B1tch has so far. For those who are thinking "What is she talking about?" See post below where Ms has received two pieces of hard candy and a used pen from a man at the fancy club.

Small Footprints said...
[ ]As for the guy ... was he an old man? Did the pen have anything written on it? This is getting to be an interesting mystery!Take Care!Small footprints

Ms. B says: No. He is younger than Ms B by a few years at least. And the pen didn't have any writing. It was used though. And, it was a nice pen - Ms. B put it in her purse, tee.hee. Well, it is a gift to Ms B, right?

Angie Ledbetter said...
[ ] As for the man who gave you candies and now a pen? Is he "sweet" on you and wishes you were Missus "Write" for him? :)

Ms. B says, Hmm. Ms B1tch will have to keep an eye on him. Hmmm.

sinfullyanon said...
He gave you 2 LifeSavers,(And, a Pen: In order to write him a Thank You Note.):)Silly guess..I guess.Cheers,~x~SinfullyAnon.

Ms. B says, Well. I didn't think of that!

Ms. B1tch is baffled! For Man has struck again! He gave Ms. B a coupon for a Starbucks coffee drink. So, two pieces of hard candy. A used pen. A coupon for Starbucks drink! The mystery deepens!

On otherwise news of Fancy Club. Ms. B was working the other night and it was a slow night. As she stood at her Throne, she half-listened to the chatter. Well, one voice dominated all overs. This man talked for two hours straight- with only a few pauses to take a drink or a bite of food or let someone else say one or two words! This man would not shut up. Ms. B could hear the thoughts of the others who were with this man secretely saying, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE HELL UP!" But, even their thoughts were interruped by this man's going on and on and on. Bragging and Talking and Guffawing and Anecdoting. It never ended. If Ms B hadn't heard it, she'd have not believed someone could talk that much for that long and over everyone else. It was a One Man Show.

When they got up from their table and came to get their coats, the people at the table with Mr. Talky Pants had a glazed in the eyes look, and also, a relieved look that the evening was finally over! Ms. B smiled sweetly and said, "How was your meal?"

And they all opened their mouth to speak to Ms B, but guess who spoke up loudest and first! Yes, Mr. Blabby Talky Pants. And he ignored Ms B's question and went on and on about something else. She heard the others sigh. Ms. B turned to get a coat and said, "Aren't your jaws tired?" and Mr. Talky Pants couldn't hear, because he was going on and on about how great he was. He ignored Ms B as she handed him his coat, so Ms. B loudly said, over his blowhard blabbing so that he had to stop and stare at Ms B, "I'm sure you mean to say thank you in between all those words pouring out so very exhuberantly, so You are Welcome, Ms. B is glad to hand you your coat!" She then looked at the others and said, "Ha! Now is your chance to get a word in edgewise! ha!"

Blabbybritches looked at Ms. B with his eyebrows raised, then he turned a nice bright shade of red. Ms. B thought it looked so Christmasy, that shade of red - that shade of red could have lit up the whole building! That shade of red was so red, Ms B thought BlabbyPants's head would explode. He didn't say another word, just blundered on out the building, but! the ones with him turned to Ms B and smiled and winked. Tee.Hee.