Ms B has been up to secret things

Oh! But Ms B1tch has missed you all. She has been here and there and yonder and above and below.

Ms B1tch sometimes goes away to do secret things and those secret things she cannot tell, or will not tell, or shall not tell! Tee.Hee.

So, when Ms. B1tch has been gone for a bit, then you must try to imagine what she is up to! Is she traveling to exotic, or not so exotic, places? Is she only busy and has not the time to post? Is her alter-ego dragging her here and there? Is she only tired and is lazying around? What ever can she be doing when she is gone for days or longer? Ms. B1tch will let you all figure it out, for whatever you all come up with will surely be more fun that what the truth is. Ha.ha.

Ms. B1tch will be back with a story, soon.

But, one thing - do you remember the man who gave Ms B two pieces of hard candy from his pocket? Now man has given Ms B a used pen. What is with this man? What do you think this is about? Why is he giving Ms B these strange things? Please tell Ms B what you think the answer to that question is.

Ms B takes a question about wine

M asked,
"How can I order wine in a restaurant without looking stupid?"

Ms B1tch says, do not fret! As long as you do not order "White Zenfandel" you will not risk server looking at you askance! Oh, but you say, white zen is what you like! well, then order it, but, server will make a face as server turns from table, and as the white zen is poured from the single lonely dust-covered bottle kept just for the few who still drink white zen, they will curl their lip and wish they could tell you to order something else!

There is nothing wrong with asking the server, "What do you suggest?" If they look puzzled or frightened by this answer, then you know more than they do, so just order whatever sounds good to you!

It is always okay to ask for "the house white" or "the house red"

Pinot Noir is always a good choice - it's light enough to go with many things!

And if you want to know how to pronounce wine and wine related, go to this page!

Mostly, Ms B says to just enjoy your dinner, enjoy your wine, and smile and be happy! We all love to see customers/patrons enjoying their dining experience. There is nothing so satisfying as the sounds coming from a good dining night: clinking of silverware against the plate, sounds of wine pouring into wine glasses, the murmur of many different voices, laughter, the smells of foods in the kitchen, and if Ms B goes into kitchen, the sounds of Chef shouting out orders, the cooks sauteing baking chopping stirring whipping ....

Ahhhhhhhh. Food. Wine.

Fried Mars Bars! Cooks Cleaning Urinals! Oh my! Ms B answers from Comments. And, Thousand Year Old Candy from Sweaty Pockets! ugh!

Barry said...
Yes Ms. B., my wife and I recently went to Scotland where the national food seems to be (no not haggis), deep fried Mars Bars (I'm not kidding) and a drink called Irn bru (think orange crush with added sugar and iron).Tell me, is this a nutritionally balanced meal? Is there any hope for a country that eats like this?

Oh! Ms. B1tch's eyes just popped out of her skull and she had to push them back in and read that again and they popped out again and she had to push them back in and and...finally, after her eyes popped out many times and she replaced them many times (Ms B is tenacious), she was able to internalize the question and then to give an answer!

There is always hope for Scotland! There. Ms. B has tried haggis, once long ago. She has little memory of it, since she also had good whisky to go with it! Tee.hee. But deep friend Mars Bars...Ms. B is shaking her cute little head. And this is the only food from Scotland Mr. Barry can tell Ms B about? Oh. Oh. Oh Sigh. Ms. B asked her roommate - what is a good Scottish food? Roommate said "Haggis?" Ms. B Sighed - no no no! Roommate said, "Shepards pie?" No No, Ms B had that at an Irish Pub once when she was in that city of New Orleans. I invite and challenge any Scots to come tell me about their foods! please!

Angie Ledbetter said...
Ms. B...I'm way too scaredy-catish to ask that question. I'm afraid I'd learn the truth and never get to eat out again!! :( Please tell me the chef does not clean the potty or urinal. *shudder* (Miss Angie is referring to the post below!)

Ms. B always tells the truth: No, Chef does not clean the potty or urinal, nor does the cook. At least in most places, but Ms B can't vouch for them all! Ms B can't speak for Fast Foods Places, or Big Chain Restaurants - and she (as above!) invites or challenges any restaurant to tell them who cleans their urinals and pottys! But, in Fancy Club, no, Chef or Cooks do not do so. *grin*

Ms. B had the most fun last night when all the members/diners left Fancy Club earlier than usual. You know why? Because Ms B spent time with the Servers(Waitstaff) and the cooks. Ms B LOVES the cooks best of all - and she loves the servers, too. But the cooks have Ms. B's heart - they are fun. Ms B laughs when she is around them, and she was around them last night. Ms B wants to say, "cook me something wonderful and I am yours yours yours!" Tee.Hee.

Here is one thing, though. The other night someone came in Fancy Club to eat. Ms. B took their coat, and when they finished eating, she gave back their coat - she helps them on with coat when they allow her to. Some think Ms B is trolling for tips! She is NOT! Harumph. Ms. B does what she does because that is what she does. So, this one smarty alecky panty pants threw something from his linty ole sweaty pocket on the counter - old pieces of candy that have been there for a thousand years! Ms. B looked at the candy and her nose wrinkled. Ms B left candy there. Next day, that same person came back, and there was his candy on the counter, uneaten, untouched. He said, "oh you didn't eat the candy?" Ms B just looked at him as if he had fifty-five heads with fifty-five zits on each of those head's noses and his hair was aflame with red-orange flaming flames, and his mouth oozed slime. Harumph!

Ms B says: You do not have to tip if you do not want to. Ms B does not expect tips. Ms B does not troll for tips. Ms B does not do her job for tips. Ms B always tries to give the tips back to patron, but if they insist she will keep it and perhaps put it in the Bell Ringers Bucket or buy someone a cup of coffee, etc. But! Do NOT insult Ms B by throwing one thousand year old sweaty candy upon her throne area! Next time, she may throw it back!

Ms. B had another question in her email! Ms B will address that next time.

Who Cleans Your Fave Restaurant Bathrooms? Hummmm?

Oh, Ms. B1tch is here to say that this cartoon is true in some regards! Oh dear, but it is. If Ms B1tch has her way, the handsome Gordon Ramsey would travel to every restaurant in the world and force them to clean up their act, and their kitchens. Ughers!

Do you remember Ms B1tch telling you how she went into a kitchen (it was over this summer) and it was so nasty, Ms B vowed never to eat a morsel of food from that kitchen? Sad thing is, their food is SO Very Good; but no clean kitchen, means no Ms. B will eat from it! Shame! Shame!

Sometimes when Ms B is watching the Food TV Netw

ork, which she rarely watches any longer because of various things that she will get into in later posts (but she does sometimes watch the Fine Living Network foodies!), she is completely and uberly disgusted! Why, they scratch their noses, and they push back their hair, and Ms. Paula Deen (bless her little butter buns) has on big Hahh-uugge rings with all manner of past meals nestling there and creating germy babies...ugh-gast! Ms. B says, "Don't rub thy nose when cooking!, Put up your hair!, Pull off those rings!" But sigh and sigh, Ms. B1tch thinks Food Tv Network "stars" have become too gi-normous for their wittle britches and are busting out at the seams with their own importance and getting louder and louder and ...and...oh, Ms B will get into all that later (and she knows there are some who are still loveable and cute and clean and ...oh!)

So, If Ms B had her way, all of us who are going to eat in establishments will march to the kitchen area and ask to see the kitchen. For if the kitchen is nasty, why should we eat there? If the restaurant or diner or club or whatever cannot hire someone to keep things clean, then why eat there? If the servers have dirty hands or fingernails or are unkempt, do we want to eat what they may touch? If the cooks/chef are unkempt, do we want their fingers on our food? If the establishment does not wash their dishes properly, do we want to wrap our mouths around the fork of the one who was eating an hour ago? Oh, Ms. B knows that one cannot think of these things all the time when eating out, but, there are simple ways Restaurant Managers can create clean enviroments! yes! Ms B has seen it! Ms B has worked in those places! We as Patron can demand better!

I dare all of us to ask this question: "Yes, Mr. Manager of Restaurant, I would like to know this: who cleans your toilets/bathrooms?" Ask this and see if you get a straight answer! Ms. B could tell you what she knows, oh yes. How some restaurants get their bathrooms all clean (and clean is relative - this you may know by going into bathrooms! ha.ha!) Go ahead, ask them...and then see what they say! Tee.Hee! Ugh-ugh!

Ms. B will soon return. Remember, if you have a question for Ms. B about restaurants, foods, clubs, food related anything, or any subject at all (for Ms B is wise and all Knowing), email her at restaurantb1tch@hotmail.com or ask in the comments. She will always tell the truth!

*muwah*

Ms. B and the Fur Coat Woman

Ms. B no shitera takes! Has she not said? Has she not shouted this to the seven winds? And what do some people still do? Give the shitera to Ms. B or disrespect her.

Enter Woman with Fur Coat who disrespects staff. Woman throws her fur coat towards Ms B with a look of dismissal as she flips by. Ms. B lets fur coat fall to floor "Oopsie, clumsy Ms B has missed your tossed fur coat...whoopsie!" Fur Coat Woman looks at Ms. B, Ms B looks at FCW. FCW glances down at her coat upon the floor, Ms. B smiles so prettily. Ms B says, "Oh, did you want ME to pick up your coat you tossed her way?" FCW leans down and picks up her coat, and then hands it to Ms. B, but she has to step to her, because Ms B refused to step over to someone who has no respect than to think she can run by Ms B, toss her fur coat towards her, and then enter the dining area. Ha. Ha!

FCW comes to Ms B and hands her the coat, and Ms B picks it up with two fingers, as if it has the mange...tee.hee. She says, "Enjoy your meal." The woman sniffs and turns away. Ms. B says, "kismahass..." FCW turns and says, "Did you say something?" And Ms B smiles ever so sweetly, and says, "Ms. B said to have a nice day!" FCW looks Ms B up and down and up and down and then turns and walks into the dining area.

Behind the woman comes a cute couple. Cute Couple snickles at Ms B and whispers, "Do you know who that is?" Ms B says "No, and Ms B does not care..." The CC tells Ms B who the FCW is, and Ms B says, "Well, gee whiz, you'd think she could afford a fur coat without mange, don't you?" and CC laughs and laughs and laughs. Ms B takes their coats gently, and gently hangs them up, and shows them to the dining area most pleasantly. FCW is sitting alone, sipping a martini, a sour look upon her face. Ms B smiles a big ole smile at FCW, turns and walks away to her station, her cute butt doing it's dance of love. Tee.Hee.

When FCW's guest comes to dine with her, she has Fur Coat too! Ms. B does not get the Fur Coat, but, who is Ms B to judge tastes? Hmm? FCW's guest is respectful, so Ms B will be! yes! She smiles at Ms B, hands over her furry coat politely, and Ms B nicely takes it, hangs it up, and escorts her to the dining area where sour faced FCW is on her third martini. Ms B says, "Enjoy your dinner."

When FCW comes out, she is teeter tottering and Ms B smiles and waits. FCW stands at Ms B's area, Ms B says, "How was your dinner?" and waits. FCW clears her throat. Ms B raises her eyebrows and waits. FCW says, "May i have my coat, please..." And Ms B says "why sure...and Ms B is so sorry for the accident." FCW slurs, "What accident?" Ms B says, "The accident to your coat...it must have been such a nice coat before the accident...Ms B noticed it last week when you came in and threw it at me - it looks as if it must have hit a lot of floors...hummm?" FCW opens her mouth, then closes it. Ms B helps her with her coat. FCW's guest giggles as Ms B helps her with her coat, too. FCW looks at Ms B and says, "Well, guess I had that coming...." and out they go...

Tee.Hee. Bettering the world of service, one "entitled" Bee-otch at a time.

Ms B gets Spam...harumph.

Ohhh, Ms. B has been so busy! But she loves you all and sends hugs and kisses and teehees!

Miss Small Footprints has a comment below about styrofoam in restaurants. Alas, that is the norm for many and Ms B wonders why a fancy place, or any place at all, too, would have ugly styrofoam anyway! Cannot someone create something nice that isn't bad for the environs? No? Yes? Ms B1tch should invent something and become wealthy and when she is wealthy she will NOT buy a fur coat. She will also not waltz in places and treat people like they are invisible except to be at her will and doing---actually, people love to be at Ms. B's will, but it is their doing because she is so cute. ha.ha.

I thought I had a question at restaurantb1tch@hotmail.com, but! It was a Spam! And that spam wanted to give Ms. B a huge penile extension! And another one wanted Ms. B to make her partner happy to be impaled upon their member. Ugh. Ms. B thinks that spammers really do not know what women want, which is not gigantis poletantis. Ms B does not want to make a woman cry out with pleasure - Ms B does not know why all the spammers are about Biggantus Memberitis. Ms B is beginning to think all these things are all for Men and not Women, which makes Ms B wonder if only men click on these links? Ms B ponders and ponders. There are no spams for Ms B to go "hummm...I should click on that..." Instead, Ms B recoils and then hits "trash trash trash delete junk junk junk delete trash trash." Harumph!

Ms. B will soon come visit you who have left your comments! She appreciates it kindly and verily.

It is very early. Ms B is up and dressed in her little suit and her little heels and is ready to climb into her car and drive into the dark for her early shift at Fancy Club. Ms. B works early on some days and late on other days.

Ms. B will return with a story or a question and answer or sage witty wonderful wise advice for you!

Muwah!

Ms. B anwers a question and posts comment stories!

'Baboo' asked Ms. B (via email): "Ms. B, but what if we really really just do not like the rare tuna or whatever? How can we send it back to the chef without hurting his feelings or making him mad?"

Ms. B1tch answers: Alas Baboo! You will always hurt Chef's feelings when you send back his food! However, if you are diplomatic about it, server will let Chef know how apologetic and groveling you are, practically on your knees in supplication, and admitting to a heathenistic barbarianism, and lack of any kind of Food Sense, and then, only then, perhaps Chef will almost-kind of sort of-calmly re-cook your food without event. There are certain foods that are prepared in certain ways that Chef is proud to present, yet! there are patrons who simply do not like the taste of certain foods cooked in certain ways. Ms B suggests that if you order sashimi tuna, please let server know right away that you do not like rare tuna! For it if is cooked properly, it is rare. Tootles, Baboo! Happy Eating!
---------
These are, below, comments from Ms B's last post. Ms. B loved them! Ms. B laughed and clapped her tiny hands together in glee! Then Ms. B thought - What other stories are out there? Please tell your stories and Ms B will post them. What kinds of things have happened to you in restaurants (OR in your workplace, or anywhere at all, if you like) - either as "Employees" or as "Patrons" - Ms. B Wants to know! You can email Ms. B or put in comments!

And as always, she will take your questions - about anything at all! Not just food and restaurants and Fancy Clubs - for Ms B knows All. You can email her at restaurantb1tch@hotmail.com or ask in the comments.

------ from comments-----

Stephen said...
Dear Ms. B, Too funny! Years ago I was tending bar at an upscale and trendy restaurant in Schaumberg a north west Chicago suburb. The bar was always busy and we served wine in oversize glasses. A woman at the bar finished her wine and went to the ladies room. I reached for the empty glass and it was gone. Peering over the bar I saw the glass in the woman's large purse. I thwacked the glass with a heavy knife handle and smashed it to bits inside of the purse then resumed my duties. When the woman returned and saw what happend she did not say a word as she slunk out of the bar. True story. What could she say? " Hey! Some one broke the glass that I stole."As ever be well, Stephen Craig Rowe

Small Footprints said...
That was hilarious! Here's my tale ... once when I was very young ... just barely old enough to legally work ... I was hired to help cater an event. One guest became very rude (won't go into details here). When I had had enough, I went to pour coffee and missed ... oops ... all over his lap. That job didn't work out. :)Thanks for sharing your darker side.

Angie Ledbetter said...
I'm very partial to Ms. B's dark side. In fact, I've had many of the same thoughts when working for dictators and rich snooty people in several different capacities! Thank you for sharing with us. I wish rich snooty people would have to wear shock collars for about 6 months...and anyone who was "beneath them" could send a few volts into their juglars when they deserved it. Bet they'd not throw their fur coats at others for a very long time. Stephen's stolen wine glass story made me laugh too. Bravo! (Waving to Little also.) :)

Joe's Foster Dogs said...
I formally invite you for a foot massage...Albert, Sally, and George!:)

Barry said...
I think you need to rent Ms B's dark side out for special occasions!I can think of situations where it would have come in handy!

Scenes We'd Like To See (Ms. B1tch's darker side)

Scenes We'd Like To See:

When Lady in Fur Coat comes in establishment and tosses Fur Coat at host/concierge, without making eye contact, and with a sneer of "I don't have to treat you like a human because I don't consider you one," sashays away into dining area where she then proceeds to order waitstaff around and then loudly talks into her cellphone (though she's been told not to, please), and then rejects the food she ordered, rejects the next one, too and then doesn't want to pay her bill because nothing is to her satisfaction.

The concierge/host puts a deceased mouse (no, she did not kill said mouse herself! and it was not in the establishment of course, for that is a clean place!-just use your imagination where a deceased mouse can come from - come on, play along with Ms B! teehee) in the pocket of Lady In Fur Coat - or!, even better, she carefully slits open the lining, places something smelly and nasty, but flat and light, into the lining of fur coat, then sews it back up and then later innocently gives back the now stinky and soon to be stinkier fur coat. "Your coat, Ma-damn?" teehee.

When Manager comes in establishment in a bad mood and takes it out on staff.

Staff ties him up, drags him into the freezer, pummels him with a chicken carcass, and leaves him there until he begs for mercy. Staff is fired, but it is worth it.

When Rude Gentleman Diner waltzes in as if he owns the place, ignores host/concierge/matre d's calls of "Just a moment, sir...." and sits his happy butt anywhere he wants, snaps his fingers at servers, and then complains his food isn't good enough, the staff is incompetent, and his drink is watered down.

Concierge, as representative of over-tired and over-worked staff, calming walks up to Rude Gentleman Diner, picks up his drink and splooshes it in his face, ka-dumps his remaining food on his lap, grabs him by his lapels, drags his ass to the door, opens the door, kicks Rude Gentleman Diner in the ass until he goes flying out the door, points to him and says, "When you know how to treat people, then you can come back, otherwise, get yer ass on down the road."

When Difficult Table of Four harrasses poor server, insulting, demeaning, demanding, demoralizing.

When server has finally had enough, no, server does not spit on food, server goes to kitchen, steps into freezer (where manager is still lying there with chicken ass imprints on his cheeks), gets the Secret Box off the shelf, takes the item out of the Secret Box, puts it on the grill, hums a snappy tune until secret item is all cooked, puts secret item on a fancy plate with fancy sprigs of herbs, takes fancy plate with secret item perched upon it to Difficult Table of Four, and serves it to them with a big ole grin on her face. Difficult Table of Four jumps up and screams in disgust. What is Secret Item in Secret Box in back corner of Shelf? It's a secret - so don't be that Difficult Table......muwahahahahahahaha!

This has been a dark side of Ms. B1tch. Sorry you have had to witness such darkness. Teeheehee.

Now, Ms B1tch feels ever so much better with her "Scenes We'd Like To See..." - she feels lighter in her step~! She thinks she will go see what Roommate has prepared for dinner....

Why, it is Turkey Pot Pie - Comfort food! Ms. B loves comfort food! With a salad of romaine and a ripe red juicy tomato....ahhh.

Ms. B1tch had a question emailed to her! She loves questions! She will answer it on her next post.

Tootles Everyone!

Ms. B1tch is ...

staring wide-eyed into space. Ms. B's feet hurt. Ms B's brain is swollen. Ms. B was so hungry, she ate an old-fashioned turky sandwich of thick mayo, mustard, and Thanksgiving turkey on wheat, with a side of cornbread dressing Ms. B made herself and her cranberry relish; and then, a honking piece of her pecan pie. Ms. B is exhausted. Ms. B is put out with Fancy Club-- again. Ms. B is beginning to wonder if some people's head is filled with concrete, and some with marshmallow and some with whooshing air. Ms. B's foot hurts from putting it down.

Ms B will return when she has had enough sleep to clear her head of Fancy Club Shenanigans. Ms. B will be back with a story.

Ms. B is still open to questions. (And Miss Angie - Ms B saw your comment and says tsk tsk~! bad big chain restaurant and nastiness! harumph!).

Ms. B will return...

Ms B1tch takes a question about "Food Revenge" by restaurants

Angie Ledbetter said...
Ms. B, I have a question -- What is the worst thing you've ever seen kitchen staff do?

Oh, Miss Angie! You are looking for dirt, aren't you? You are looking for nasties and yuckies, aren't you? You want the inside scoop, do you not? You watched such movies that show all manner of disgusting behavior in the kitchen and you wonder, "Is that true? Do the kitchen staff really spit upon food? Drop it on the floor and serve it? And worse!"

But Ms B is here to re-assure all you restaurant going people that in most kitchens the cook/chef are dedicated to their jobs. They love what they do. They adore food. Food is their life, and to nasty up the food would be akin to slapping their granny and calling her a naughty name! Blasphemy!

(That said, Ms. B went into a kitchen recently to visit a Chef concerning something with her alter-ego, and the kitchen was nasty nasty nasty! Ms. B thinks she may ask to see the kitchen of places where she will eat from now on! A nasty kitchen is Blasphemy! This kitchen and staff should be stricken from the books of Food Lovers everywhere! shame on them SHAME SHAME! Ms. B1tch should sick handsome Gordon Ramsey on their sorry buttocksesesses!)

Ms. B1tch knows of one time when she brought back the sashimi (sushi grade) tuna because the patron said, "this isn't cooked enough" - oh alas and alack, Ms. B1tch trudged to the kitchen, knowing how Chef would be torn asunder! would be aghast! And indeed, Chef was disgusted, angry, put out, and his wittle tender feelings were sorely tromped on - He bleated, "My Tuna! She wants me to cook my tuna until it is a rubbery mess! Goddammit all to hell blankity blankity blank." Ms B smiled sweetly and said, "Yes! She is rubbish! She stinks to high heaven! She is a heathen! But, she wants that tuna cooked more, sorry Chef." And Ms B handed him the tuna and waited with a beautific smile, but a sympathetic one, for Chef. He did not defile the tuna. I did not defile the tuna. And Patron received her rubberized tuna and was happy. Chef sighed and sighed. Ms B went back to kitchen and said, "Oh Chef! You are King! You are all and all! That patron does not deserve any more of your offerings! Begone Tuna Defiler!" Chef was placated. And back to work we went.

The worst thing Ms. B personally saw was a fight between a patron of the restaurant and Chef. Oh! Ms. B thought they'd kill each other! Patron screamed, "I'll KILL you!" Chef exclamated, "I will cut your head from off your shoulders, you you scally wagging blankity f**E*$R blankty mother*#$#*!!!" Knives were brandished! Fists were fisted! Faces were screwed up into raging boiling masts of MAD. But, no food was thrown. No food was defiled - the Food Is Sacred.

Ms. B has heard of "revenge" on patrons who are nasty nasty big bad nasties! but, Ms B and her waitstaff and Chef would find another way to avenge that did not Defile The Sacred Food, as most restaurants and fancy clubs will do.

Ms B will return. She hopes this answers your question, Miss Angie, but if not, Ms B will be happy to re-visit this issue!