Ms. B1tch ain't gone, she's just . . . ethereal

Ms. B1tch has been naughty naughty naughty. She's neglectful! A new year came stompin' on in and Ms. B1tch hasn't been by here since August! Shameful! shame shame shammmmefulll!

What Ms. B has been thinking about is Food Network TV, again. What the hell is going on over there? yes yes, the wonderful Ms. B has asked that question before, but Ms B was hoping something would be done so she wouldn't keep flipping it off - um, flipping the channel off that is, oh fiddle dee dee! - and instead? Instead Ms B has spent more time on Bravo...just sayin'! Food Network gets louder and more chaotic every day. Oh, but at least they get to sell their knives and pots and pans and such and do commercials (gnaw) and make LOTS of money, even if some of them sell out ...of their pots and pans and knives of course ...fiddle hee hee.... ...oh dearest me. Ms B don't point fingers at just one when most the whole lot of them is scrambling to make a gazillion clams (oh had to use food for money of course) off food network and vicey versy, righty?

If Ms B sees ONE MORE show about Cakes, she will upchuck - puke - forcfully expel stomach contents - VOMIT - enough with the cakes, FN, whatsamatterwidya?

And what happened to . . . see, guess that already says it - since I already forgot their name. Never mind.

And bless their loud mouth hearts, but more and more of the Food Network, um, er...*cough* "Stars" (oh Ms B is laughing at that word - how arrogant some of the food network foodies are becoming and how they are acting like "Stars" oh oh oh! Ms B is amused!) . . . Ms. B laughed when she watched one of the FN foodies say "I mean, after all WE are the FOOD NETWORK - they surely MUST impress US and be impresed by US, we are FOOD NETWORK!" One had the feeling one was supposed to genuflect!

as Ms B was saying, loud loud loud! And MORE MORE MORE and BIGGER BIGGER BIGGER and . . . if Ms B sees the contents of food in mouths ONE MORE TIME, Ms B will (see vomitus statement above).

And pleeaazee, Mr. Alton - PUH LEEEZE eat something...why ..why you've become so gaunt, and Ms B is worried about you...oh dear. She loves you - she truly does. Though, you still look handsome and mischevious - you dear . . . Ms B wants to plant a kiss on that cheek, come here...come here you, Alton! sweet dear.

Ms B misses Hell's Kitchen with the loud mouthed foul mouthed Brit - oh she shouldn't, she couldn't - but she does - some GRIT there, some REAL, some loud-mouth that has TEETH to it...yes! pant!

Wait...hold on....

OH! Ms B has to run -- some one is at Ms B's door. Who? you may ask . . . Ms B doesn't kiss and tell ...

Ms B never ever promises what she cannot keep, so Ms B will only say that she will try to come back soon - and try to come back more regularly.................BUT!!! BUT BUT!!! you can't fault Ms B1tch for having a full and fruitful and vegeful and meatful life, now can you? Oh of course not - of course you forgive Ms B1tch - -

And, she will try not to talk about FN - or! Ms B will next talk about what she LIKES about food network - yes! that would be nice, don't you think . . . I bet you think no. I bet you like it that Ms B is dishing out spankings! ha!

see you soon........

Ms. B is not dead! ha! She has been doing exciting wonderous things- envy Her!

So, did you think I had died? haha! I have not - I have been busy. Oh, Ms. B1tch leads a facinating and exciting life. You must envy Ms B for her life - how wonderous it is. Ahhh...

Perhaps I was in Paris, or London, or Rhode Island - ha! I thought Rhode Island needed a mention since no one ever remembers that little place, bless its heart.

Ms. B1tch may disappear this way sometimes. She also knows that people will stop coming by, because they will become sad and disallusioned that Ms. B1tch doesn't stick around. They will miss her and cry and sob and rail and tear their clothes asunder....well, what can Ms B say?

Ms. B has been watching some teley too -- yes she has. First, Ms B has to say to Food Network - WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ? Then she clicks on over to Bravo and laughs and laughs because Bravo may be "getting it" where as Food Network has their panties all around their ankles and their eyes are glazed and they are saying "who what where when how why?" Of course, maybe they are doing this all the way to the bank! ha!

On the stove is delight delight! Too bad you aren't here to eat any ....

Ms B has so much to tell - where to start? where to begin? yet, dinner awaits . . .

And Ms B1tch often disappears . . . to magical places filled with magical people in magical magicalities

And you thought I would never return - hahahahha! I am an enigma!

On to a good glass of wine and a tasty dinner, where I won't be watching the never ending never ending never ending never ending CAKES CAKES CAKES on food network - for god's sake FN - stop it with the cakes! And I won't be watching the soccer moms - oh Ms. B doesn't want to offend (but if she does, *shrug*) but the soccer moms bore the snot out of her pretty little pert nose til said snot is running amok to get away from boring telley shows. And bless her heart, but Ms B has become tired of Paula Deen screeching...and she used to love her so...oh dear, maybe Paula Deen will listen to Ms. B1tch and tone it the hell down for god's sake! Go watch your earlier shows my pretty Deen and see what Ms B is saying - she knows much, she does - listen!

Perhaps Ms B'll turn to Bravo and listen to the *beep beep- you beep beep* of the contestants on Top Chef - no soccer mommys cooks there! No screeching, no screaming unless it's at another contestant - ohhhhhhhh! naughty!

Ms B adooorreesss Ina Garten though - you go Ina! go go go and keep on going (although, Ms B has one little bone to pick with her dainty teeth -- do you not have any other clothes? Such an attractive woman to wear those ....duds).

Oh! But Ms B sees where Ms Sandra Dee, or is that Lee? on FN has changed her format - ha! And so she should have - all that matchy matchy decor to her dress and shoes and ....it was a bit creepy and OCD'ey --not that Ms B doesn't have OCD -often chows down - ha! yes, that was funny - okay, it was not...do I care? NO Ms B cares not! But Ms. Sandra La la Lee -I hope you learned your lesson! You finally listened to Ms B1tch didn't you? And why are you in your jammies in that photo? Trying to Sex It UP Ms. Sandra - ha! ha! keep trying...you are almost there.

tata - time to eat --- a luscious red sauce with tender meatballs - the sauce cooked for hours and hours until thick and dark red --- the meatballs sizzled until just done and juicy -- and a good red wine of my choosing. Perhaps a salad - yes....with fresh tomatoes - do not put your tomatoes in the fridge - Horrors! -- and some salted radishes - ohhhh....

Ms B is here! and then gone...THEN HERE...then gone..HERE. gone ..here gone -

Ms. B1tch is ever so much sorry she is rarely around and ever so much sorry she doesn't get to visit! She is ever so much ready to bop her alter ego across her head and tell her to stop stop and stop again! Round and round her alter-ego goes, first this and then that...Ms. B needs some time, too...harumph!

Ms. B1tch was watching the teley. Ms B was in particular watching Top Chef. Ms B1tch was pissed off! Why, they let go the handsome Jeff! That man wasn't only a pretty face! that man could cook oh so prettily, too.....oh Ms B knows what that network is doing! Ms. B knows they are waiting for the long-haired simpering boring girl to get busy with the big tall bald tentative guy! Ms B thinks that's been doused by the waters of shame - which Ms B rolls her eyes to...

Ms B's roommate saw in fine print where the producers of the show consult with the letting go and keeping, too! ha! harumph! cheating!

Ah well - it is only a teleyvision show. But, Ms B still stomped her foot and pointed at the screen and said, "BRING BACK MY HANDSOME JEFF YOU GODDAMMERS!" Alas, they didn't listen.

Ms. B is HUNGRY for something different - people people - what can I eat---and dont one of you nasties email me and say "EAT THIS MS B" and then send me a photo of your dingly dongly! Unless you are Jeff, or Gordon Ramsey --no no, on second thought, I do not want to see your dingly donglys either - I want you to cook something for me - ahhhhhhh, then we'll see what happens next --what? DESSERT happens next - and no! that is not a metaphor for dancing in the sheets! tee.hee.blush.tee

Thank you for the emails ms holly - I meant to put them here and then I did not - oh heavy heavy sigh I hardly have a moment to myself - um, er, except when I'm watching Top Chef or gazing at Gordon Ramsey's quirky mouth quirked as he says, #**#*$#*$# #**# F*#&$*# YOU#*$# SH*#$#* f***e&r* " ahhhhhh....a god of words! A veritable man of the alphabet!

Now, I must flee, see? I most go, joe. I must be jolly, holly....this could go on and on.....

Ms B will try to get better about stopping by and about posting....oh heavy sigh.

Ms B1tch is b1tching!

Ms. B is in a bone-picking mood. Ms B1tch just feels like b1tching. But she did laugh at your comments and maybe Mrs Nancy will, too!

Ms B1tch loves food - good fine food, but Ms B will eat not so fine food, too! Sometimes she sees things on the tele and just has to try them so she can pass on her wisdom here and there and far and near. So since Ms B loves panini's, she kept seeing ads for panini's from some frozen food company that rhymes with Scream Quazeem. Ms. B took it from its package - ugh...didn't look like it looked on teleyvision. She put it in microwave ...oh Ms B should know better! Mr Gordan Ramsey would be so very angry and disappointed in Ms B's choice of foodstuffs. He would say, "That is #*$&# crap! that is #*$# sh*T! " and he'd throw it in the garbage, which after one bite is what ms B did! Ugh! False advertising...ugh ugh! Ms B knows better - fresh is always best...still...sometimes Ms B is in the mood for E A S Y(shhhhh). but no more scream quazeem panini for Ms B *vomiticus americanus*

Then, Ms B was watching shows on what rhymes with Scrood Fretwerk. What is wrong with these people? Why are they getting louder and louder and more annoying by the minute? Why does Paula Deen have to laugh like Rosanne Barr and show all the food in her mouth....eeek! Paula Deen is getting too loud and too big for her breeches. Ms B hates that - because she used like that gentle old show with that gentle southern woman. Now, Ms B hurries and changes the channel. At least Scrood Frewerk finally put Big Boy Pants on Guy Fieri...teehee -- he's cute despite when he smushes a cupcake all over his mouth - eyewww! Stuff in the beard! stuff in the beard! Gorden Ramsey must be shaking his head in disgust and going "beep beep beep beep *#*#."

Then Ms B1tch saw a write up online about bellybuttons and how certain belly buttons are pretty and some are not and now men look at women's bellybuttons and decide if they are attractive or not! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Now our damned bellybuttons have to be perfect and cute, too (even though mine is, of course, ha.ha) ...? Not enough we have to stay young and beautiful forever - but even our bellybuttons are not safe from scrutiny. Ha! Ms B scoffs at that! Ms B says we REVOLT!

Okay, now, Ms B has some things off her chesticle area. Maybe she is just hungry. Maybe a nice bowl of hot creamy corn bisque will quieten her beast. yes.

When Ms B returns, she will be calm - okay, she will not, but then why should she? tee.hee to the tee.hee.hee!

Ms. B1tch is still alive! ha.ha.ha!

Did you miss Ms. B1tch? Do you like Ms. B's fancy new background - do not get too used to it, for Ms. B1tch is very restless and Ms. B1tch gets bored quite easily. She's been walking and thinking and thinking and walking....sometimes her alter-ego gets into her shoes and alter-ego doesn't like the tall purpley sparkled stilletos! Imagine! Well! Ms. B argues with her alter-ego and sometimes she wins and sometimes she does not. teehee

Don't you wonder where Ms. B has been? Hummmmm? do you? HA! Ms. B1tch cannot tell her secrets!

But, Ms. B1tch can tell you thusly: Ms B told Fancy Club to go ...oh, how can Ms B put this delicately? Let's see - maybe Ms B can put it in a rhyme! (is that how you spell rhyme? Ms B is not a teacher! Ms b is not a grammaticician!)...let's see, Ms B told Fancy Club to go shmuck plemselves...to giss her bass....to pro to bell. THERE! did those rhymes help you? Can you figure out what Ms B did? tee.to.the.hee~!

Ms. B1tch finally had enough. And when Ms B says it's time to move her cute little butt on down the road, Ms B struts it on down the road.

Why? Cause Ms B goes into work and still they have not done the things promised Ms B - did they think Ms B1tch was teasing? Was talking words just to see her pretty little plump lips flapple? Did they think she spoke just to hear her harmonious voice? Well, then then are Mis-Take-In!

Now, this presents Ms B with a problem - no no no, not finding a job-pah, who cares about that? - but, what about the mystery man and what his tattered little gifts meant? But, Ms B will just shrug her little shoulders and let it all go - for the man who sits at bar brooding after giving le'host/le'concierge weird little gifts while meanwhile, where is his family? Why isn't he home? Harumph! Not worth Ms B's time...

Oh! My Partner in all things Gordon Ramsey (tee.hee.) Fantastic Forrest, sent this! Ms B laughed and laughed! HA! Ms. B's said "Ms B1tch stays good til the bottom of the glass..." oo lala!

Now Ms B needs some advice...what new adventure should Ms B1tch try for? Where shall she go? Now that she is not with Fancy Club, she can do whatever she wants...can't she? Why not? When her alter-ego is not looking, or is asleep, or is distracted, Ms B can have adventures!

For now, Ms B had a question in her email! Here it is:

Dear Ms B1tch,My husband has been talking in his sleep and the other night he called out 'Joanie' and my name is Nancy! What do I do? I haven't said a word to him." -- Not-Sleeping Beauty

Dear Not Sleeping, Well, first, let MS B say I am glad to get questions about matters of the heart, too! For I know almost everything there is to know, and what I do not know, I findout! HA

So, what Ms B suggests you do is next time you are in bed, you pretend to be asleep and then you call out another man's name and see what he does! It may open the door to discussion, or a lot of screaming - whichever. Or, you can do this, "You Jackass! You called out another woman's name in your sleep! I'm kicking your ass!" and then you can both have the biggest argument you've ever had! Then you find out who this Joanie slut is and you go kick her ass, too! I mean a real Joan Collins and Whastername Cat Fight - or Cougar Fight (depending on your ages). Then you go home and tell your husband to go home to Joanie Moanie, she can just HAVE Him - YOU don't need the likes of His Hairy Ass......and after he leaves, you invite Raoul the pool man inside for a glass of wine and a piece...of salmon...Yeah? Yeah?

If all that sounds like to much trouble, just tap him on the shoulder and ask him who Joanie is-- if his eyes widen, if his nostrils flare, if he scratches himself anywhere, if he clears his throat, if he looks you right in the eye without blinking - then best find out who this Joanie is. Otherwise, maybe Joanie isn't nothing but a figment of everyone's over-active imagination.

Now, Ms B has tarried too long on the blog. She will try not to be gone so long next time, but MS B never makes le'promises!

Tootles!

A question for Ms B1tch

Barry said...
I have a question MsB. We were out over Christmas to a buffet. The waitress was friendly and efficient. She brought our drinks and asked if we wanted dessert (we didn't).When I came to pay the bill I left the usual amount as a tip, but my brother maintained that since you don't get full service from the waitress at a buffet, you shouldn't be leaving the regular tip.I have never done that. Have I been cheating myself all these years? By the way, my Word Verification is "dishem". How strange!

Ah! Can you afford it? Does it make you feel good to do it? It is a most certainty that the waitress will appreciate it, especially for the finky fonky butt-onkeses who leave nothing! Or leave some insulting mere near nothing! So, if you give a bit more because you can, then you can be the person who makes up for the stupid potty poo poo pants who eats, makes a mess, and then leaves without a care. Sure, maybe the server MAY not have to do as much when there is a buffet, but she is there, and she is making peanutty nothing. And no telling what management forces her to do because, as he(or she) may put it "you aren't doing as much, so clean the toilets, wash the floors, kiss my hairy big butt!" oh poor servers put up with much! This Ms. B knows, for Ms B has seen it. Ms B does not up with the shiteri put! But it is because she can walk away and will and has and will!

So, Mr. Barry - leave the tip. You will not be cheating yourself. You will be generous as I know you seem to be. If you do not want to leave the full 20% of the buffet, slip a little extra in there anyway. It will come back to you.

Ms. B is hungry! Ms B wants pastries!

...now she must slip off, silently slip slipity slipoo de do off ..tee tee dee da da dum, ta ta ta tee ta tum - tee.tothe.hee - she's feeling light as a feather, but she will tell you about it later. Maybe. ha.ha! Ms B is so mysterious!

(PS - Oh, Gordon Ramsey! I am blowing you a kiss.....Don't tell you know who!)

Releasing Roaches -eyewwwwwwwwwwww, Miss Angie...! eyewwwww

Angie Ledbetter said...
I have a question: If you saw a patron open a pill bottle and let a roach run across his plate AFTER he'd eaten his meal, then complain to management and refuse to pay for pest-infested (hey, I like that) food, what would you do? Oh, 'specially if this was at big arse fancy club.

Well Miss Angie; Ms. B1tch would bide her time. Ms B would wait. Then, when the Patron walked past Ms B's throne, Ms B would quietly approach (eyeww- look at the word in approach!) him and say, "I saw what you did. How can we settle this?" and patron would take out a fiver and Ms B would laugh HAHA, then he'd take out a tener and she'd guffaw GUFFAW, and he'd start sweating and take out a twentyer and she'd stare him down, and he'd really begin to huff and puff, and he'd take out a fiftyer, and Ms B would just fold her arms, and he'd say "But my meal was only $85!" And Ms. B would say, "But what price your reputation, sir....what price your reputation..." And he'd hand over his heart.

ha.ha! Of course that is not what Ms B would do. Ms. B would tell him what she saw and that if he ever did that again, he would encur the wrath of Ms. B's pretty little shoe up his arse! She would lightly consider telling fancy club manager. Oh, I suppose she would tell Maitre d' -- since he's a cutie patootie...tee.hee.

Oh! Mr Barry said... - send those goodies my way. Ms B1tch barely got one tiny little goody! She is famished and parched and wasting away to nothingness, sorta kinda. Ohhh heavy fainting heart!

Fantastic Forrest -- shall we fight over Gordan Ramsey? Or will we be lady-like and share...Hmm, I suppose he is man enough to cook for both of us. Yes? Yes! of course he is. But no snake...no reptile...nothing that eats or rolls in it's own poo. So let it be written! So let it be done!

Now, if Ms B disappears or has not visited you, do not you worry! For sometimes Ms B must do things. And those things takes her away from here. But she loves you all! She sends you kisses and muwah muwah!

(and do you not wonder about the man with the strange gifts? Well, he came in with his wife and child - and then the next day came in again without them and sat at the bar and brooded -- Ms. B is keeping an eye on this one...No! not in THAT way - for Ms B does not play the games or play the players. She is, after all, Above Reproach (oh oh , there is that icky word within a word again ..eyewewww yewwwwww).

Ms. B1tch's day off

Mr. Barry - CPC? ha.ha! You are so clever! Tee.hee.

Ms. B had a day off. So, Ms. B went to lunch and ate quiche that was fluffy and light, with a glass of wine. THen Ms B strolled along in her cute little clothes with her cute little boots and her cute little feet a-clomping upon the pavement. She watched people go to and fro. She said hello to old men and old ladies. She touched a sweater because it was soft. She almost bought a big fat huge furry blanket (maybe she will buy it later!) She stopped in a chocolate shop and bought yummy dark chocolates. Ms. B1tch pondered pondered and pontificated the Fancy Club. Sometimes Ms B thinks she wants to flee flee flee and never return. Perhaps she will. Perhaps Ms B will turn her mind to other things. She walked and ate her chocolates and pondered and pondered.

Ms B1tch went to her email to see if there was a question! And there one was:

Ms. B1tch, there's this concierge at a fancy club. I've given her candy and a pen and a coupon and yet she doesn't give me anything back but a puzzled smile. What gives? What can I do to impress this Queen Do you think pocket-lint filled candy isn't good enough for a woman? A used pen, even though it's a good pen, won't make her say hooray? A coupon for coffee won't make her blush and kiss my feet?

ha. ha. - Ms B is teasing! Of course I didn't get THAT email...tee.hee.

Ms. B has no questions in her email right now - boo. and the hoo!

How can Ms B spread her knowledge across the land if no one asks her any questions. Oh sorry sorry day. Oh Poor Ms. B...(tee..hee.)

Now, Ms B1tch loves to read about food, and look at food, and eat food, and Ms B1tch is open to all manner of eats. But one thing Ms. B can never, will never, can not ever ever eat or understand is this:

How To Prepare A Rattlesnake For Good Eating

now I shall go. I leave with one request: Oh Gordon Ramsey; Ms. B1tch wants you to cook just one meal for her! Just one little bitty meal. She asks nothing more - just to stand in her kitchen and cook cook while Ms B watches and waits. Ahhhhhhh, Ms B can dream

Ms. B's Mystery Man of Strange Gifts, and Blabby Talky Pants

Ms. B is reading your comments with interest about the Man Who Gives Ms B Things . Here is what Ms B1tch has so far. For those who are thinking "What is she talking about?" See post below where Ms has received two pieces of hard candy and a used pen from a man at the fancy club.

Small Footprints said...
[ ]As for the guy ... was he an old man? Did the pen have anything written on it? This is getting to be an interesting mystery!Take Care!Small footprints

Ms. B says: No. He is younger than Ms B by a few years at least. And the pen didn't have any writing. It was used though. And, it was a nice pen - Ms. B put it in her purse, tee.hee. Well, it is a gift to Ms B, right?

Angie Ledbetter said...
[ ] As for the man who gave you candies and now a pen? Is he "sweet" on you and wishes you were Missus "Write" for him? :)

Ms. B says, Hmm. Ms B1tch will have to keep an eye on him. Hmmm.

sinfullyanon said...
He gave you 2 LifeSavers,(And, a Pen: In order to write him a Thank You Note.):)Silly guess..I guess.Cheers,~x~SinfullyAnon.

Ms. B says, Well. I didn't think of that!

Ms. B1tch is baffled! For Man has struck again! He gave Ms. B a coupon for a Starbucks coffee drink. So, two pieces of hard candy. A used pen. A coupon for Starbucks drink! The mystery deepens!

On otherwise news of Fancy Club. Ms. B was working the other night and it was a slow night. As she stood at her Throne, she half-listened to the chatter. Well, one voice dominated all overs. This man talked for two hours straight- with only a few pauses to take a drink or a bite of food or let someone else say one or two words! This man would not shut up. Ms. B could hear the thoughts of the others who were with this man secretely saying, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE HELL UP!" But, even their thoughts were interruped by this man's going on and on and on. Bragging and Talking and Guffawing and Anecdoting. It never ended. If Ms B hadn't heard it, she'd have not believed someone could talk that much for that long and over everyone else. It was a One Man Show.

When they got up from their table and came to get their coats, the people at the table with Mr. Talky Pants had a glazed in the eyes look, and also, a relieved look that the evening was finally over! Ms. B smiled sweetly and said, "How was your meal?"

And they all opened their mouth to speak to Ms B, but guess who spoke up loudest and first! Yes, Mr. Blabby Talky Pants. And he ignored Ms B's question and went on and on about something else. She heard the others sigh. Ms. B turned to get a coat and said, "Aren't your jaws tired?" and Mr. Talky Pants couldn't hear, because he was going on and on about how great he was. He ignored Ms B as she handed him his coat, so Ms. B loudly said, over his blowhard blabbing so that he had to stop and stare at Ms B, "I'm sure you mean to say thank you in between all those words pouring out so very exhuberantly, so You are Welcome, Ms. B is glad to hand you your coat!" She then looked at the others and said, "Ha! Now is your chance to get a word in edgewise! ha!"

Blabbybritches looked at Ms. B with his eyebrows raised, then he turned a nice bright shade of red. Ms. B thought it looked so Christmasy, that shade of red - that shade of red could have lit up the whole building! That shade of red was so red, Ms B thought BlabbyPants's head would explode. He didn't say another word, just blundered on out the building, but! the ones with him turned to Ms B and smiled and winked. Tee.Hee.

Ms B has been up to secret things

Oh! But Ms B1tch has missed you all. She has been here and there and yonder and above and below.

Ms B1tch sometimes goes away to do secret things and those secret things she cannot tell, or will not tell, or shall not tell! Tee.Hee.

So, when Ms. B1tch has been gone for a bit, then you must try to imagine what she is up to! Is she traveling to exotic, or not so exotic, places? Is she only busy and has not the time to post? Is her alter-ego dragging her here and there? Is she only tired and is lazying around? What ever can she be doing when she is gone for days or longer? Ms. B1tch will let you all figure it out, for whatever you all come up with will surely be more fun that what the truth is. Ha.ha.

Ms. B1tch will be back with a story, soon.

But, one thing - do you remember the man who gave Ms B two pieces of hard candy from his pocket? Now man has given Ms B a used pen. What is with this man? What do you think this is about? Why is he giving Ms B these strange things? Please tell Ms B what you think the answer to that question is.